We’ve all been there! Frantically, looking, and searching for the perfect pair of butt-hugging, form-fitting, beyond-flattering, jeans; or “significant” other, whatever pertains to this matter, likely, all-of-the-above, and then some. Your honor, I have a case before you this beautiful end of May, Memorial Day Weekend. The skies are a clear, vibrant blue, and the ether is “sharp”, also filled with “sharks”. Evidence the “waters” indicate this summer is on 10, the horizon, and one for the books, already … in the making.
Ya’ll have seen the news; here, there, on-line “bursting-out at the seams” (being facetious) everywhere. Wars, gore, “bores”, sales, deals, watching scandals whilst sharing meals. Everything is going on, except for those jeans. Even the Royals are decked out, head to toe, jeans attire. However, I sincerely doubt a Vanderpump “sports” spunky, California, jean “shorts”. Although, I just “know”, when no one is looking, Ken could “pull them off”. That’s fashion jargon and off the record for those filthy “minds” or the salaciously inclined.
Speaking of insatiable minds, scandal obsessed, the trendy, Guess jeans, and the Hollywood press; the affair rocking the air waves and this fictious courtroom, this day; involves a gorgeous heroine, three princesses, two Tom’s, a “frenemy”, and a partridge in a pear tree. “Frenemy” (also spelled “frienemy”) is an oxymoron and a portmanteau of “friend” and “enemy” that refers to “a person with whom one is friendly, despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry” or “a person who combines the characteristics of a friend and an enemy”. What is, a succubus, for $500, Alex. (Props to Wikipedia, years of Jeopardy the show, narcissism, siblings with wild rivalry and ribaldry, “cheaters” and pumpkin eaters (the literal sense and not slang), “imitators”, side-eyes, looking over shoulders, walking on eggshells, and sleeping with one eye open. Oh, and lest I forget, secret hidden files, pics, and vids in a non-password protected cell.
The backdrop to this single-white-female inspired “flick” or wicked “trick, however you “see” it; betrayal, embezzlement, sabotage, and good old fashioned “brainwashing”. With a heaping full, side-order of backstabbing. You’ll need elastic for those jeans and not as chic, “looking” or “feeling” as one intended! Luckily, no jeans perished through this ordeal, but a need for professional help dry cleaning, imperative.
This ghostwriter, like the rest of America, watched the calamity and debacle unfold, and actually predicted this dynamic duo years ago, being sarcastic too boot, with a smidge of revulsion. Do you know any man who’d pay for another’s engagement party? I’ve heard this vendetta, tune, or “worn-out” song over-played before on a dingy stage with a “smokey” ambiance, rigged conveyor belt attached. They call it a fog machine. Another unlucky gent trying to recapture his youth rushes the center stage.
Now the heavenly judge presiding from the “other-side”, over this quarrelsome-threesome or unfashionable, ill suitable; dispute, behavior, and discordance about a discarded spouse is the most highly decorated and “trail-blazen” authoritative, “fashionista” (self-proclaimed, rightly), diva; to broach the subject and rule-over the “fundamentals”, law, and the lack of “order”. Did someone just order the pasta? I digress, and back to the legend herself; “imagined”, beloved, and truly awesome, Joan Rivers.
“Joan Rivers, was a comedian, actress, producer, writer and television host. She was noted for her blunt, often controversial comedic persona that was heavily self-deprecating and acerbic, especially towards celebrities and politicians, delivered in her signature New York accent. She is considered a pioneer of women in comedy.” And I loved her!
“From the mid-1990s, she became known for her comedic red carpet awards show celebrity interviews. Rivers co-hosted the E! celebrity fashion show Fashion Police from 2010 to 2014 and starred in the reality series Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best? (2011–2014) with daughter Melissa Rivers.”
“During her 55-year career as a comedian, her tough-talking style of satirical humor was both praised and criticized as truthful, yet too personal, too gossipy, and very often abrasive. Nonetheless, with her ability to “tell it like it is”, she became a pioneer of contemporary stand-up comedy. Commenting about her style, she told biographer Gerald Nachman, “Maybe I started it. We’re a very gossipy culture. All we want to know now is private lives.”
However, her style of humor, which often relied on making jokes about her own life and satirizing the lives of celebrities and public figures, was sometimes criticized as insensitive.” And believe, you me, that’s an understatement; but to “know” her was to love her. Nobody is perfect and we all need to learn to lighten up, laugh at ourselves, and try not to hurt others when laughing at them. I always felt to be insulted or slighted by Joan Rivers was a stamp of approval or a “back-handed” compliment that really hurts (b*!ch slap). At least she noticed. Something along the lines, there’s no such thing as bad press, unless you’re on the “receiving end”.
“I wish I could tell you it gets better …”
And there were many “lighter” moments to mention on Vanderpump Rules this past season; playing catch on the beach, (if you call that catch) and splashes of 151 in the eye were television gold. I replayed those delicious seconds and almost died laughing. Grand mum looks good on Lisa. As always, her jeans with a polo wrapped around her shoulders, perfect coif, flowers adorned everywhere, and a pup in pearls lounging on a sofa that’s probably more than my car.
Maybe not as poetic as Shakespear, but Lala sings a heartfelt, prophetic, operatic, ditty. To my dears, Katie and Ariana, I can’t help but believe, this fiasco will pass and better genes and days to come, more ways than one. It will all be about her! Scheana proves, she’s still as good as gold. We’re taking another crash course in summer school; “mid-life” crises are real, fame is a toxic drug, and love can be a battlefield. Stay tuned in!
The moral to the story is yet to unfold, and next week’s reunion will be quite telling. I’m beyond impressed with Andy; he’s like a life coach and a bodyguard all in one. Plus, his fashion game is improving.
Thank you, fellow jurors, for sitting-in on this make-shift trial and proceedings. A grateful, heartfelt adieu to all who inspired this post. I hope your weather, fashion, summer, and future is fair, sunny, and so bright, you’ll need shades! Remember; “Life is a movie, and you’re the star.”
Beyond Sirius Sea 